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girlpearl's Journal
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Date:2004-12-07 20:27
Mood: crushed

So, since I'm on radiology, I get radiographs of my own pet for free.

Bitsy has a giant lung mass.

I simply can't believe that her heart, her eyes, and her kidneys, all problematic for terrier breeds, are fine, and she has fucking lung cancer.

I was totally not functional yesterday. There's nothing I can do, nothing I could've done, nothing I should do, and I feel so fucking impotent and how can I be a vet if I can't even help her.

I know she can't live forever. But she ought to.

She's my baby and my best friend, my constant loyal companion since I was ten.

Mostly I am a little better today, a little less distraught. A lot less bleak now that I've had some time to adjust to this not-entirely-unexpected shock, and while I'm by no means "okay with it" I'm not as totally lost as I felt yesterday. I definitely went through that whole "five stages of grief" thing in about four hours which kind of put me through the wringer, but a good night's sleep and now I feel... capable. Not content, but capable.

Quite a few people have asked about treatment options, and the thing is this--we don't know what it is. We don't know how long it's been there, how fast it's growing, or what it's going to do next. Because of its location (just above and behind the heart) it's damn near impossible to biopsy, but prognosis isn't really, in this case, dependent on diagnosis. At her age, and with her history and signs (or lack thereof) cancer is far and away the most likely cause. No matter what the disease, any treatment would pretty much start with removal, and there's just no way. Even if I had the money to do it, I wouldn't put her through that--open chest surgery is very risky and the recovery is painful as all hell. I'm not going to put her through all that pain and also the weeks of separation from me just so I can maybe have an extra month or two. After everything she's given, that is the least I owe her--that now, at the end, I do only what is good and right for her.

For now, she seems happy. She's lost a lot of weight (about 20% of her body mass) since this summer, and she eats less and sleeps more, but that's not anything major or exciting. She still enjoys all the same things she's always loved--hiking in the parks, eating garbage, belly rubs, growling at the puppy, riding in the car, going to school--and she runs and plays just as much as she always has.

She doesn't act sick or painful, and the challenge for me now is to look at her as a happy, healthy, geriatric dog, and not see those damn films every time I look at her. I need to set some realistic expectations for her (and will be talking to the oncologists re: best guess prognosis) and set down some definite limits: I won't let her get past this point, once she does this it's over, if she can't do that her time has come. I know what to look for, and my friends here are definitely going to be a big help there--I know I can trust Cherise to tell me "Hey. You're not doing this for her. This is for you."

At the end of the day, what's important is that we both enjoy the time we have left together, and now that I know what's coming, I won't have to worry about looking back in a few months and saying, "If I'd only known, I would have..."

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Date:2004-11-19 16:35
Subject:omg mtv kills bats their so meen!
Mood: resigned

Ok, here are my two cents on the bat issue:

I bite... big... bats, and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a bat flies in, with an itty bitty face
And a wing slaps in your face
You get sprung
Wanna fly up front
Cuz you notice that meat was tough
Deep in the fur its wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh batty, I wanna get with ya
And bite your jugular
The vet school tried to warn me
But with that bat you got
Make me so hungry
Ooh, rub all that smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my hands
Just so chewy, chewy, cause you aint that average meat

I bite big bats, yo! word.

Thank god for Andrew.

Vet school should be free from this sort of wankery, and yet, it abounds. I swear, it's like middle school, with animals and a lot more drugs.

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Date:2004-02-12 07:39
Mood: busy

FYI, because I know you've all been wondering, I *am* alive and well.

Actually, I'm a lot better than "well". I'm happier than I've been in longer than I can remember, and I'm having the time of my life. I've never done anything so fun before.

So, Eliza, what *have* you been up to?Collapse )

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Date:2004-01-25 13:02

So, because I am brilliant and just full of good ideas... I watched a horror movie last night.

I ended up going up to Kris & Mike's for dinner and just to hang out; haven't seen nearly enough of them lately. And Mike brought home 28 Days Later, so we watched that. An apocalyptic killer zombie movie. In a dark house. In the woods.

This was so many kinds of bad idea, I can't even begin to justify it.

When I finally got up the courage to leave... my car got stuck in the driveway. So we spent twenty minutes shovelling and pushing and the whole time, I'm staring with all my might into the surrounding trees, like, if I actually saw the super-quick killer zombies coming, I'd be able to do something to stop them. Jesus.

I had to read a while before I went to sleep; I was lucky and managed to escape with only a few minutes of lying in bed hoping that nothing was about to come crashing in the windows, considering moving my bed to the opposite side of the room.

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Date:2004-01-24 12:17
Mood: giggly

I slept on my left arm funny last night, and it's quite sore today. But this has me giggling all day. Why? It doesn't hurt if I hold it up just right. So basically I look like a result from some weird meme/quiz...
I AM Colin Mochrie's Velociraptor Impersonation!
I'd put in a picture, but... you know.

Hoo boy.

Really could use that drink.

Mm-hmm, laundry. Really today.

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Date:2004-01-13 13:52
Subject:Let me apologize in advance.
Mood: indescribable

Yes, you really have to see this to believe it. Now, it's not the pix that bother me--I'm all for invertebrate sex. I spend two years of my life watching invertebrates have sex and then wrote a collossal paper on it, and I really had rather a lot of fun doing it. But I would never, ever have described it as beautiful.
And this guy--It is a very beautiful thing - translucent white, almost blue, like those photos of ice caverns you see. Yes... almost... or, like... A SLUG PENIS.
Um. That aside, it's pretty neat, so you should check it out.
Also, here are some LotR screencaps you probably shouldn't look at. And if you read the comments and laugh until you cry, well, don't blame me. *I* told you not to. I particularly like the scene with the wizards at the nightclub. Neat.
ETA: Because Phil seems determined to make me scratch my eyes out, Naked Rugby. Why? I don't know why. I don't know why Naked Rugby, and I don't know why my ex is sending me links to it. But now he's pointing me to an Orlando picsite, and as it's my dear boy's birthday today, I am off to indullllllge.
No, there's no actual content here. I'm having a moment, I think, journal-wise. I've realized that I've been spoiled by having a journal in which I can say anything I want, really, *anything* and not have to worry about what people will think of it, or whose feelings will be hurt, or what happens if so-and-so misinterprets it. And I feel I'm being unfair to this journal (?) because I came into it knowing it would be a different thing, knowing that it would have to be censored. But. What's the point of that? I don't know, although I used to think I did, and I need to take some time, I think, to get my mind straight around that again.

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Date:2004-01-07 09:00
Mood: aggravated

This? This is why I want to slap every person who says, "I love New York!"

Yes, I know they're really only talking about the city, but still. Major difference between NYC and NYS? NYS smells like cowshit, NYC smells like hobo pee.

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Date:2004-01-06 12:14
Mood: cold

My apartment is in what can only be described as a state of complete and total disarray.
That's ok. It makes me feel better about my life, which might, with much work and improvement, someday aspire to reach a state of disarray.
Going to Target. Or Walmart. Eh.

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Date:2004-01-05 18:59
Mood: pensive

Being absolved of responsibility always leads to me turning into this wretched wreck of a person, staying up until all hours and piling dishes in the sink, getting up at noon and dressed at four. I'm a bad person when I have no structure in my life. Being up at 2:30 in the morning leaves a weird feeling in my head, like I should be drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, and in fact I've been fiending for a smoke for a while now, which is odd because I've never smoked, nor have my parents, since they met and my mom made my dad quit. I hate cigarettes. I hate the smell and the burn of the smoke in my eyes and knowing it's a slow, intentional poisoning, the key to cancer, turning your own cells inward, bent on eating you alive. I don't smoke, but at 2:30 in the morning, my eyes burn anyway, and I wish I had something to do with my mouth.

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Date:2004-01-02 15:23
Mood: accomplished

Well, here I am in 2004. I haven't been writing much in this journal lately, and I'd apologize, but, it's my journal, and if you don't like it, tough noogies.
I don't have to share this stuff with you.
If you asked me to sum up my holiday/vacation in twenty words, I'd say:
I'm doing laundry right now and my mom's stupid chihuahua is barking at the washer because the load's off balance.
Mom and I cleaned the attic yesterday. Ten years of memories and dust, insulation and old love letters. A very cathartic way to change years. I said "yesterday," but today was day four of this project, and now we are done. I threw away--a lot. A lot of things I recycled or junked or tossed in the "yard sale" pile, and I'm leaving behind in 2003:
~All my anger. You may have it, because it hasn't done me any good. This includes lingering feelings of resentment, bitterness, betrayal, frustration, and even disappointment. The exceptions: Beth, because she's supposed to be my sister, and Brahim, because I haven't given up on him yet.
~Old friendships. I'm not trying again anymore. Orhan, Becky, Wedad, Jen, all the people who I used to count in that circle but have proven not to be worth my time--the people who go away for ages and then suddenly return and expect me to accept that, the people who treat me like shit and expect me to accept that too--that's done. No more forgive and forget, just goodbye.
~Old fears. Except the spider thing. I'm keeping that one.
What I'm holding on to: Joy, courage, acceptance, love. My family, and my sense of self outside of vet school. Trust in my self, and in my sense of which friends to value. Those friends. Hope, which I never seem to shake, no matter how hard I try.

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Date:2003-12-28 12:44
Mood: cheerful

So yesterday morning Jeff and Sarah and I were talking about falling and hurting ourselves and the kind of uncoordinated things we Wilbys do, and I mentioned I hadn't fallen in like two years.
So of course, last night, I got out of the Jeep at Linda's and fell flat on my back. I think there are snowflakes permanently embedded in my skin.
This morning I am, amazingly, not sore, despite my sister waking me up by coming in and announcing, "I am going to trounce you," and then proceeding to do so.
Went to the SPCA yesterday to get Jeffers a dog... the LVT at Potsdam is a huge raving bitch and she proved it once again yesterday. Will not go into that except to say that, thanks to her, perfectly wonderful but difficult to adopt dog now will not have a home. Bitch.
Was at Linda's for some time last night; Pudding kept beating up Bitsy and ended up scratching both her eyes... I think she managed to miss the corneas but definitely both eyes were bleeding. Stupid fucking cat. Bitz seems ok today but is lying in bed, eating her breakfast. Lazy old thing.
Heath came over yesterday to say goodbye; he's back in Virginia until he retires in November. Jennifer and the kids are staying in Potsdam, though. Makes no sense to me but I long since decided not to judge anybody's choices re: marriage, even my brother's.
Well, I have been going nuts with the digital camera. I'm so happy to have one of my own it's unreal. Sooner or later I will figure out a way to drive you all crazy with the picspam. Muah, ha, ha, and ha. You shall suffer. You shall see: The Eyesore!!!

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Date:2003-12-26 10:41
Mood: hopeful

Christmas: Let's try that again.Collapse )

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Date:2003-12-24 07:48
Subject:Why the North Country makes me sad.
Mood: disappointed

Among the films playing here at the Roxy:
Lord of the Rings 3
The Last Samuri
Samuri? Really? Come on.

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Date:2003-12-22 22:34
Subject:Some things.
Mood: worried

Mom got a chihuahua. From a trailer park. It's named Sasha. *sigh*
Also, her bloodwork came back abnormal, with elevated liver enzymes. She didn't request a copy and her doctor's on vacation for two weeks so I have no idea which ones, or how much, or what I'm supposed to worry about now. So, I'm putting it off until I know. Then I'll worry.
Mike fixed my brakes today... for $65. I love him. I love him so much. It's too bad that I think he is going to propose to Kris this Christmas because otherwise I would totally steal him, even if he is short.
My watch has been running all day. This is weird, because it usually doesn't. Maybe I don't need to replace the battery.
My cat is coughing and has had a lot of eye boogers lately. I think he may have a respiratory virus, although god only knows how he could've gotten it, being an indoor cat exposed only to dogs. Regardless, he's too damn old to get sick, and I don't know what to do. I hope to christ it's not a fungus. I expect him to live at least another 10 to 15 years (realistically 10) and a fungal infection would probably not permit that. Have to get Benadryl for him tomorrow... hopefully a quarter tablet won't be too much for him (he doesn't handle anesthesia well, making me think maybe a small liver shunt?) but will keep him QUIET for four hours.
Right, going home tomorrow. Maybe. Or not. So much to do. Not really... and I've done so little tonight, I've got no right to complain anyway. I just... don't feel like it. Don't feel like cleaning or packing or going home. And I have to sit around all morning waiting for the postal service that was supposed to deliver today and then I have an hour to get my oil changed, pick up my paycheck, buy benadryl and get some tapeworm medicine for my dog and my neighbor's two who apparently have been snacking on dead bird, buy dog and cat food for my parents & sister... Gah. Well, two hours, I guess. I just don't want to get home at 8 or 9 again. I'm lapsing into whininess so I'm going to go.

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Date:2003-12-19 11:57
Subject:Return of the King
Mood: exhausted

Oh My Squeeing Goodness.

That is all.

More later when I am not fried from being up too late fighting with Phil and getting up at 4:30 to study for, and then taking, the neuropath final.

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Date:2003-12-18 09:07
Mood: giddy

The small stinky dog jumped over the lazy cat... and planted her face an inch from mine. I burst out laughing, grabbed her, and went in search of the scissors. Now my dog has a bald face, because last night she managed to find a burr plant in the thirty seconds of unsupervised frolicking time she had, and got her topknot glued to her eyebrows, whiskers, and beard. Oh yes. All the fur on the rostral third of her face was in one giant, burry clump. Well, at least her eyebrows aren't hanging down into her eyes anymore. *sigh* She's been standing in front of Luz's cage for a few minutes now, whining and crying. Also, she is afraid of Cherise's ferret. Not that I blame her. Ferrets are nasty, and this one tried to bite her besides.
Neuropath tomorrow. Maybe Return of the King today. Mmmm.... Aragorn...
Mom called this morning; she is in Syracuse (an hour away) for a doctor's appt. Wish she had given me advance notice so I could have met up with them, but I'll be going home next week.
Found out that Newsweek did not fuck up, the USPS did. I *did* receive my RotK issue of Newsweek... but it was delivered to my neighbor's mailbox. What the fuck? Stupid USPS. Was thinking about them this morning, wondering how I'm going to get Phil's birthday present out in time and if Sarah received her package of flea junk. Suppose I should call and ask her; suppose I should put some minutes on my calling card in that case.
WICB is discussing the Golden Globes this morning. I do not give a shit about the Golden Globes. I do not care about any of these stupid awards shows. People are always trying to make me watch them; I hate them a lot. Er, the shows, not the people.
Well, off to go study and find out about plans for worshipping Aragorn watching Return of the King.

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Date:2003-12-17 12:21
Mood: blah

I haven't got anything to say. One more exam. Not going to see RotK today. It makes me sad. Maybe tomorrow. Might be for the best anyway, since I haven't seen TTT since last year and I wanted to watch it once more before seeing RotK. Anyway.
Read a pretty good book this weekend about ghosts in New Jersey. Most entertaining but entirely unrelated to neuropathology. Sigh.
Talked to Phil last night for the first time in over a week and sadly, had very little to share. My life has been sad. But it all ends Friday, and then I will be jubilant, and then bored. I can't wait :)
Found the 1998 Grinch & Max ornament I've been trying to get on eBay for $20... auction's over in seven hours, so we'll see. Some stupid girl placed a bid or it would've gone for 15, eh, 20's not bad either.
Really hungry, and at work, which smells like food for some reason. Apparently the weather is quite shitty and ehhhhhh I don't want to drive around in this shit.

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Date:2003-12-11 09:49
Mood:Tired doesn't even come close.

I just took my population medicine exam and I know I'm asking for trouble when I say this, but I'm pretty sure I aced it. Easiest exam ever, and that's including one that had a crossword puzzle in it. Yeah.
Today at three I have Applied Anatomy, which is the hardest exam ever, including that one I failed a few years ago. Gararrrrrgh. But. I have been studying myself sick, literally, and yes, thank you tonsils, for choosing such an opportune time to remind me you're unhappy with the weather. But. I have been meeting with Dr. D, I have been studying with Cherise, and if I'm not prepared at this point, nobody is. So, damnit, I'm going in with confidence and a smile. I'll probably come out in tears but what the fuck, it'll be over and I can SLEEP tonight.
Although, Kris is taking her boards exam today, and she wants me to come over tonight to celebrate us both being done. We are probably going to euthanize her rat tonight. Yeah, that's how vet students celebrate--we euthanize our pets.

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Date:2003-12-10 13:15
Mood: exanimate

Oh dear holy god in heaven.
Ok, I've been here since 6 again today, just like yesterday, only yesterday I was here until 8pm and I anticipate going home some time before 5 today. I hope. Then I'll spend the night studying and be in at 6 AGAIN tomorrow for last minute questions/clarifications/review with Dr. D. Oh holy hell. Tomorrow is my population medicine exam (in class, open book, zero preparation, zero stress) and my Applied Anatomy exam (one on one oral/written combination, closed book, months of preparation, obscene amounts of stress). Thursday after work, I am going to go home and sleep until 7am Friday. Woe betide the buffoon who disturbs me.
I have been so evil and whiny lately, and totally unavailable to people who I know are looking to get in touch with me. To you people, I say, "be patient, and be grateful. Seriously, you wouldn't want to talk to me right now anyway." I promise I'll be better in a week or so.

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Date:2003-12-08 14:05
Mood: bored

It's always SO HARD to go back to lecture when you're REALLY REALLY bored.
We're getting our "intro to clinical rotations" four hour marathon lecture today... it's killing me. Especially since I've worked in the hospital for two years now. Ack. Am dying. Wah. Woe. Despair.
On the other hand, I've had time to work on my second homework assignment and do some crossword puzzles.

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my journal