girlpearl (girlpearl) wrote,

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Well, here I am in 2004. I haven't been writing much in this journal lately, and I'd apologize, but, it's my journal, and if you don't like it, tough noogies.
I don't have to share this stuff with you.
If you asked me to sum up my holiday/vacation in twenty words, I'd say:
I'm doing laundry right now and my mom's stupid chihuahua is barking at the washer because the load's off balance.
Mom and I cleaned the attic yesterday. Ten years of memories and dust, insulation and old love letters. A very cathartic way to change years. I said "yesterday," but today was day four of this project, and now we are done. I threw away--a lot. A lot of things I recycled or junked or tossed in the "yard sale" pile, and I'm leaving behind in 2003:
~All my anger. You may have it, because it hasn't done me any good. This includes lingering feelings of resentment, bitterness, betrayal, frustration, and even disappointment. The exceptions: Beth, because she's supposed to be my sister, and Brahim, because I haven't given up on him yet.
~Old friendships. I'm not trying again anymore. Orhan, Becky, Wedad, Jen, all the people who I used to count in that circle but have proven not to be worth my time--the people who go away for ages and then suddenly return and expect me to accept that, the people who treat me like shit and expect me to accept that too--that's done. No more forgive and forget, just goodbye.
~Old fears. Except the spider thing. I'm keeping that one.
What I'm holding on to: Joy, courage, acceptance, love. My family, and my sense of self outside of vet school. Trust in my self, and in my sense of which friends to value. Those friends. Hope, which I never seem to shake, no matter how hard I try.
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